»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Friday, February 10, 2012

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[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches]

01 — Intro.     [Conference noises] … [Slurping sound] … [Sotto voce] Oh, excuse me. Greetings, ladies and gentlemen. That noise you just heard was me slurping my soup. I apologize. You can take the boy out of Northampton, but you can't take the Northampton out of the boy.

This is not just any old soup, either. It's soup served as part of a banquet here on the first evening of CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Conference, here in our nation's capital. I've been invited down here as a guest of ProEnglish, a most excellent group of people trying to promote the revolutionary idea that the U.S.A. ought to have an official national language, and that that language should be English.

ProEnglish had their event earlier today, and I had the honor of addressing a gratifyingly large crowd of interested CPAC-ers. There had been rumors that this CPAC would be wrecked by screaming, howling mobs of humanitarian idealists, so I had changed into a haz-mat suit for my own address. However, the apostles of brotherhood and fair play failed to appear. The conference has two more days to go, so perhaps we shall be blessed with their presence later.

OK, Representative Paul Ryan is giving a fine stemwinder speech up there on the platform, and I'd like to listen. For your amusement and instruction I'll give over the rest of this week's Radio Derb to my own address at the ProEnglish panel. The title of the Panel discussion was: "The Failure of Multiculturalism: How the pursuit of diversity is weakening the American identity." I used this as an opportunity to present my standard argument for racial tolerance and social harmony based on honesty and realism rather than on wishful thinking and moral posturing. Here you go … Ah, Mandy, could you give me a refill of this excellent Bordeaux, please? … Thank you …

02 — Contribution to CPAC panel.     [Recording]

03 — Signoff.     [Conference noises] … [Sotto voce] There you have it, listeners — live from CPAC. We are still waiting for the legions of progressive social justice to show up with their pitchforks and Molotov cocktails, but it seems they have been delayed until tomorrow. As soon as we get back to our hotel room I shall get the girls busy with filling sandbags and boiling up tubs of oil to tip out of our window on to the besieging hordes. Fortunately we brought a good supply of oil with us on the trip, and plenty of protective devices.

So have no fear for us here in Washington, D.C., gentle listeners. We shall emerge unscathed from the coming fracas to bring you more live breaking news from Radio Derb next week!

[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches]