»  National Review Online

December 24, 2007

  Sing-along-a-Derb 2007

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Another year, another Christmas season. And what would the season be without a sing-along among family and friends, while the yule log's a-blazing and the sleigh bells are a-ringing? Here are all your favorites.

•  It's the Mitt Romneyist Time of the Year
(To the tune "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year")

It's the Mitt Romneyest time of the year.
Evangelicals yelling
And everyone telling you
"Make yourself clear!"
It's the Mitt Romneyest time of the year.

Time is right for flip-flopping
When everyone's shopping—
So busy they don't want to know.
With a tree to configure, we
Don't mind polygamy happening
Long, long ago.

It's the Mitt Romneyest time of the year.
On illegals he's hardening;
They won't be gardening
His place—no fear!
It's the Mitt Romneyest time of the year.

•  White House Christmas
(To the tune "White Christmas")

She's dreaming of a White House Christmas
Just like the ones she used to know.
Table lamps a-flying
And Chelsea crying
When Bill's been caught with trousers low.

She's dreaming of a White House Christmas;
But now the race is getting tight.
And she daren't show anger or spite.
What a pity Barack isn't white!

•  I Saw Larry Groping Round the Floor
(To the tune "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus")

I saw Larry groping round the floor
Under the partition in the john.
I thought: "Boy, what a creep,"
But my temper tried to keep;
He figured me a willing type
For pleasures fast and cheap.
Now Larry's charged with breaking lewdness laws,
His future isn't looking very bright.
Is he gay? He tells us no,
But from the Senate he'll have to go
Since caught groping round the floor that night.

•  Here comes Amnesty!
(To the tune "Here comes Santa Claus!")

Here comes Amnesty!
Here comes Amnesty!
Right down Pandering Lane!
Bush and Spitzer, G.O.P. and Democrats,
Kennedy and McCain.
Driver's license, college discounts,
Tax breaks are your right.
All aboard the "diversity" gravy train
'Cause Amnesty's coming tonight.

Here comes Amnesty!
Here comes Amnesty!
Down Reconquista Lane!
School for kids and affirmative action,
Health care for your pain.
Show fake documents, get a green card,
O what a beautiful sight!
Out of the shadows! Head of the line!
'Cause Amnesty's coming tonight!

•  Ron Paul around the Christmas Tree
(To the tune "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree")

Ron Paul around the Christmas tree
At the libertarian hop.
His record's online so you can see
Every bill he's tried to stop.

Ron Paul around the Christmas tree,
Bring the troops home, cut off aid.
Kick illegals out, peg dollars to gold,
No alliances for trade.

You will get a sentimental
Feeling when you hear
Voices call for revolution—
Based upon the Constitution!

Ron Paul around the Christmas tree,
No more I.R.S. to pay!
Everyone be conservative
In the new old-fashioned way.

•  Ding Dong Huckabee on High
(To the tune "Ding Dong Merrily on High")

Ding dong Huckabee on high
His poll numbers are soaring!
Ding dong Huckabee's the guy
Nobody's now ignoring!
Hu-u-u-u-u-u, U-u-u-u-u-u, U-u-u-u-u-u, U-u-u-u-u-u, U-u-u-u-u-u, Uck-abee!
The hand of God is on him!

Build the welfare state up high!
That's what Christ would have wanted!
Regulate and certify,
By deficits undaunted!
B-i-i-i-i-i, I-i-i-i-i-i, I-i-i-i-i-i, I-i-i-i-i-i, I-i-i-i-i-g, Gov-ernment!
Yes—bigger than George Bush's!

Let the Mexicans come in!
Our farmers needs fruit pickers!
Purge our nation of all sin!
Of cigarettes and liquors!
Hu-u-u-u-u-u, U-u-u-u-u-u, U-u-u-u-u-u, U-u-u-u-u-u, U-u-u-u-u-u, Uck-abee!
The Grand Old Party's death wish!

•  Do You Hear What I Hear?
(To the tune "Do You Hear What I Hear?")

Said the CIA to SecDef,
Do you see what I see?
Over in Iran, Sir—but
With only moderate confidence—
A bomb, a bomb, building in the night,
With assistance from Pakistan,
Through a guy known as A.Q. Khan.

Said the SecDef to the DIA,
Do you hear what I hear?
And how high is your confidence?
Do you hear what I hear?
A bomb, a bomb, Iran will have a bomb,
With delivery systems and all—
It's now too late to forestall.

Said the NSA to POTUS,
Do you know what I know?
In your White House warm, Mister President,
Do you know what I know?
They're years behind, in fact the thing's on hold;
No need for action right now.
(With confidence moderate to low.)

Said POTUS to the citizens,
Listen to what I say:
Pray for peace, people everywhere!
Listen to what I say:
We're safe from nukes, the Iranians didn't lie!
(So our spooks now certify—
With confidence moderate to high.)