»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Tuesday, March 8th, 2005


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[Music clip: Soaring chords, orchestra and chorus.]

01 — Intro.     Radio Derb is on the air, coming to you from the deep-carpeted, oak-paneled offices of National Review world headquarters, where not a sound is heard but the hushed reverent murmur of scholars and theologians seeking the deeper meaning of world events. [Scream.] Let's see what's been going on.


02 — A commie instructs us on the value of life.     I've never been anywhere near Iraq and I'm not especially well-informed about the place, but even I know the rules of the road over there. Suicide terrorist had got into the habit of driving up close to American vehicles or checkpoints and then pressing the plunger. So now an Iraqi civilian vehicle approaches a checkpoint very, very carefully, especially on much-bombed roads like the one to the airport.

So here's this Italian journalist. She's a communist: she writes for Il Manifesto, which is a communist paper, communism being, for reasons you will have to explain to me sometimes, still very popular in Italy … or, as it is called here in the New York suburbs, "Itly." Anyway, this woman got taken hostage a month ago and the Italian government located the terrorists, got into negotiations with them, very likely paid some kind of ransom and Ms Sgrena, that's her name, was being driven to the airport by an Italian intelligence guy when they came barreling up to a U.S. checkpoint and their car was duly perforated. The intelligence guy was killed and the commie lady got hurt by flying debris.

Now, of course, this commie lady, this expense account Rosa Luxemburg, is blaming the U.S.A. Said she: "I believe, but it's only a hypothesis, that a happy ending to the negotiations must have been irksome. The Americans are against this type of operation. For them, war is war. Human life doesn't count for much."

Well speaking for myself, hypotheses non fingo; and we all know how precious human life is to communists, don't we?


03 — Heteronormative outrage at Harvard.     Movie Actress Jada Pinkett Smith, wife of Will Smith, gave a speech to the Harvard Foundation for Intercultural and Race Relations. Here is what she told them, quote:

Women, you can have it all: a loving man, devoted husband, loving children, a fabulous career. They say you gotta choose. Nah, nah, nah, we are a new generation of women. We got to set a new standard of rules around here. You can do whatever it is you want. All you have to do is want it.

End quote.

Mrs Smith's listeners were naturally stunned by this shockingly insensitive outburst and are demanding an apology.

Most especially scandalized was the university's Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, Transgender, and Supporters Alliance. At Harvard, apparently, if you can't be gay, you can be a gay supporter.

A spokesthing for this outfit said: "Some of the content of Ms Pinkett Smith's speech was extremely heteronormative and made BGLTSA members feel uncomfortable."

Good grief! Someone was made to feel uncomfortable? Where is the outrage?


04 — Justice Kennedy bows to international opinion.     The Supreme Court of the United States, which we have all got used to calling SCOTUS, told the states to stop executing people for crimes committed when they were under 18.

Among the reasons given by Justice Anthony Kennedy writing for the majority was the following, quote: "It is proper that we acknowledge the overwhelming weight of international opinion against the juvenile death penalty." End quote.

Sociologist-in-Chief Kennedy did not say why it is proper to do so. I guess he found the propriety under a penumbra somewhere. In any case, since our Constitution is now to be interpreted according to international opinion, maybe we should just scrap SCOTUS altogether and replace it with one of those U.N. human rights panels. You know, one of those stuffed with representatives from Libya, Cuba, Syria, China, and other beacons of justice and humanity beyond our misguided shores.

Then instead of SCOTUS, we could call it SCOTUN. How about that?


05 — Malicious MALDEF.     MALDEF, which sounds like the name of a hip-hop group, but is in fact the Mexican American Legal Defense and Educational Fund, has filed a lawsuit against an Arizona Rancher, Roger Barnett and also his wife, his brother and the local sheriff, for, quote, "conspiring to violate the civil rights of migrants," end quote.

The word "migrants" there is, of course, mainstream media-speak for illegal immigrants. What Mr Barnett has been doing has been detaining these criminals when he finds them on his property, holding them at gunpoint until the authorities arrive.

What he should be doing, of course, is cooking them a four-course dinner, giving them the keys to his pickup truck and sending them on their way loaded with goody bags. Or, at the very least, he should be standing watching quietly while they invade his country, Break down his fences, and steal his property.

Plainly Mr Barnett is one of those mean-spirited nativists you've heard about. You know, one of those knuckle-dragging Neanderthal types who believe that federal law ought to be enforced and that a person that has a right to keep intruders off his property. There should be no tolerance for that kind of bigotry in America!


06 — The Arnold diet.     California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said on Sunday that he wants to ban all sales of junk food in California schools and fill vending machines with fresh fruits, vegetables, and milk.

No word on whether all that good, nutritious food is to be fortified with the kinds of chemicals that propelled Arnold to bodybuilding stardom and the movies.

Go on, ask him. No, I'm not going to ask him! You ask him …


07 — Mugabe knows who to blame.     Robert Mugabe has been president of Zimbabwe since the country's independence a quarter century ago. During those years, Zimbabwe has gone from being the breadbasket of southern Africa to being a basket case, begging for handouts from international aid agencies.

I leave it to listeners to decide whether this terrible decline might have anything to do with Mugabe's policy of taking land from successful white farmers and giving it to his friends and relatives. As a matter of fact, Mugabe recently admitted that 56 percent of the liberated land is no longer being cultivated.

Of course, Cap'n Bob knows who to blame. After Condoleezza Rice called Zimbabwe "an outpost of tyranny" back in January, our Bobby said that the Secretary of State, born of slave ancestry, should know that the white man is not a friend.

Why anybody, white or black, would want to be friends with a thuggish nation-wrecker like Mugabe is a question he did not explore.


08 — Gilbert and Sullivan and Hillary.     Hillary Clinton, the junior Senator from my state, wants felons who have served their sentences to be able to vote. Who does she think they're going to vote for, I wonder.

Cue Gilbert and Sullivan, and I'm sorry, but I'll have to do the chorus myself here. The Radio Derb budget wouldn't cover it. [Clears throat.]

When a felon isn't busy breaking laws
        (Breaking laws)
Or maturing his felonious little plans
        (Little plans)
His desire to vote is just as great as yours
        (Great as yours)
So let's scrap these unjust felon-phobic bans
        (Phobic bans).
Our Senator knows all about this isue
        (Bout this issue);
Her friends in Arkansas have all done time
        (All done time).
Mrs Clinton, I don't really mean to diss you
        (Mean to diss you).
You're the Senate's main authority on crime!
        (Oh …)


09 — St Patrick's Day at the White House.     Gerry Adams, leader of the so called Irish Republican Army — which is an illegal organization in the actual Irish Republic — did not get an invitation to the White House St Patrick's Day bash this year.

The Emerald Isle will be represented by Bertie Ahern, the Taoiseach — that's Prime Minister to you — of the Irish Republic.

Why has Gerry Adams not been invited? Well, you see, the IRA is stubbornly refusing to disarm as everyone thought they had promised to do as part of the Good Friday agreement seven years ago. Also, the bold lads of the IRA, presumably under Gerry's direction, replenished their funds recently by robbing a Belfast bank of fifty million dollars. Oh, and they have just recently committed a particularly egregious and gruesome murder in Belfast.

Well, those seem like pretty good reasons for not inviting Gerry to the White House; but why wasn't Ian Paisley invited either?

Because, said the White House spokesman, Paisley had made some, quote, "inflammatory comments."

So according to the White House making inflammatory comments is just as bad as murder, bank robbery, and armed insurrection. Go figure.


10 — Signoff.     Well that's all for now, folks. Tune in again next week for more penetrating insights from Radio Derb.


[Clip: Peter Jones, "O tempora o mores …"]