»  Radio Derb — Transcript

        Friday, September 8th, 2006


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[Music clip: Soaring chords, orchestra and chorus.]

01 — Intro.     Well, you know, I just thought we have a change from Haydn this week. That was the United States Air Force band and their Singing Sergeants. This is John Derbyshire and his Cackling Corporals [silly laughing/cackling noises] bringing you all the news of the week on Radio Derb.

Sorry about last week's absence. Labor day kind of snuck up on me. Then there was the joy of standing in an 800-yard checkout line at Staples to buy school supplies. You know how it is at this time of year.

But enough of these pathetic excuses. Let's go to the ticket tapes [ticker-tape sounds] and see what's happening in the so-called real world.


02 — Multiculti at the wicket.     Americans sometimes ask me to explain the noble British game of cricket to them.

Well, it's perfectly simple, really. You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in, goes out; and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

When they're all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out, and tries to get those coming in out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not-out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out and when he's out, he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have been out and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not-out, that's the end of the game.

Everyone clear on that? Well, now here's a cricket story from the week's news.

In the fine old city of Leicester in England, September 11th will be marked by a cricket match between, on one side, the local Christian clergy, and on the other, local Muslim Imams. One umpire will be a Hindu and the other will be an Orthodox Jew.

This of course is all in aid of bringing the different religious communities together … though I must say, if I was that Jewish empire I'd keep a vigilant eye on the Muslim bowlers.

And let's hope the event doesn't get disrupted by angry mobs of Buddhists, Taoists, Zoroastrians, Wiccans, Scientologists, animists, shamanists, Satan worshipers …


03 — A fair dinkum fella, RIP.     I am going to confess right now that I had never heard of TV naturalist Steve Irwin until the news of his death was all over my New York Post last Monday morning. Apparently Irwin had a program on the Discovery Channel where he wrestled crocodiles and snakes and such like. Look, I'm sorry, I just don't get to watch much TV.

Irwin was an Australian who said "Crikey!" a lot. Whether he also said other Australian things like "Strewth!" or "chunder" or, "Fair suck of the old source bottle there, bluey," or, "Don't come the raw prawn with me, mate, or I'll flaming drop you," was not vouchsafed to us by the New York Post.

Reading him up, anyway, he seems to have been a pretty bonzer bloke. I mean to say a fair dinkum fella. He was conservative — a big fan of sensible conservative Ozzie Prime Minister John Howard, and also of our own President Bush.

So now there's one less conservative in the world; which brings our numbers down to, what, twelve, is it?

A sad loss, and not just to the Discovery Channel.


04 — Mother of all geese.     There's a fuss in Turkey over a publisher of schoolbooks who's taken the classic children's stories from the West — Tom Sawyer, Pinocchio and the like — and Islamified them.

This is a big deal in Turkey where the state is supposed to be strictly secular, but the jihadists are winning some converts.

Well, I thought I'd make a small contribution to the Religion of Peace by Islamifying some of the old familiar Mother Goose rhymes. My book, provisionally titled Mother of All Geese, will be out shortly. In the meantime, just to whet your appetite, here are some brief extracts.

[Clears throat.]

Diddle diddle dumpling, my son Ahmed
Lost his faith and went Christian instead.
When the imams found out they hacked off his head.
Diddle diddle dumpling, my son's dead.

Wee Waleed Winky runs through the town
Picking out Jews and shooting them down.
Hate crime? Of course not! The Koran says it plain:
Jews and idolaters are all fair game.

Another one. How much of this can you take?

Rockabye Zionist in Tel Aviv.
Once we've got nukes, you'll have reason to grieve.
Once we've got missiles, your nation will fall.
Down will come Israel, Zionists and all!

Still more.

Malik had a little lamb
As white as white could be.
He rigged with explosives
To make an IED.

Or how about — [laughs] if CAIR doesn't come after us for this, they're just not doing their job:

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, dear Imam
Send me to Jihad as fast as you can.
I'm back from my training in Afghanistan.
My virgins are waiting! I'll die for Islam.

Just one more.

Little Jalil al-Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating his Ramadan Pie.
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a bomb
And said: "All you infidels, die! Allahu akbar!"

[Loud explosion.]


05 — Islam, Christianity, and martyrdom.     Fox News reporters Steve Centanni and Olaf Wiig were kidnapped by jihadists in the Gaza Strip.

The jihadists told them to convert to Islam and to affirm their new faith on video or else be shot. The two men obediently converted and a video was released showing them in Arabic robes, proclaiming their new faith and urging George Bush and Tony Blair to follow their example.

Later the two men were released and explained that they hadn't meant a word of it. Centanni went further, telling us that, quote, "I have the highest respect for Islam and I learned a lot of good things about it."

Well, here's one thing you were apparently didn't learn, boyoh. Under Sharia law the penalty for renouncing Islam is death, so you and your pal are marked men.

And here's another thing about that religion that you have such terrific respect for, Steve. A couple of devout Muslims, if captured by Christian fanatics and told to swear allegiance to Christ the King or else be shot, would most take the bullets. Not only would they be condemned to death under Sharia law otherwise; but among Muslims it's considered a great honor to die a martyr for the faith.

Is anybody starting to think we might be up against something really formidable here?


06 — Fox deep-sixes Idiocracy.     Not Everybody in showbiz is left-wing, believe it or not.

Take for example, producer Mike Judge, the guy who gave us Beavis and Butthead, Office Space, and King of the Hill.

You may not like Judge's comedy. It's kind of crude, but he's a Reaganite conservative and he's done more lampooning of political correctness than anybody this side of Radio Derb, except possibly for the South Park people.

Well, Judge's latest movie is titled Idiocracy. The story is that an average Joe is put into deep hibernation. He wakes up 500 years in the future and he finds that all the smart people have disappeared.

The whole world is populated by morons, fed by the stupidest kind of pop culture, and our hero is now the smartest guy on the planet.

So … wait a minute. You mean to say that Judge actually believes that some people are smarter than others? And that differential breeding rates could eliminate smart people and put the dimwits in charge of everything? And that this would be a bad thing?

Plainly this guy is some kind of Nazi. No Wonder Fox is doing its best to deep-six the movie. Don't expect to see it advertised in your local newspaper. The promotional budget is zero.

The great mystery here is why the Fox execs commissioned this movie in the first place. They must be really, really stupid.

But … if one of our major media corporations is run by terminally stupid people, doesn't that sort of make the movie's point?


07 — Coals to Newcastle, Illinois pol to Africa.     Here is the U.S. Senate's only black member, Barack Obama, on a visit to Kenya.

Senator Obama's dad came from a village in Kenya, so naturally the senator has a sentimental attachment to the place. Since Obama Senior actually abandoned the family when Obama Junior was two years old, you'd think the Senator had even more of a sentimental attachment to Kansas, the native place of his mother who actually went to the trouble of raising him.

But hey, this is America, where one black parent entitles you to victim points, even if that parent didn't stick around very long. You could ask Haley Berry.

So here's the junior Senator from Illinois, in Kenya lecturing the Kenyans on the need to crack down on corruption.

Let me just say that again. Senator Obama went to Africa bringing a message of clean, honest government with him … all the way from Chicago.


08 — State of the economy.     A couple of months ago I said in one of my online diaries that the economy is doing well, I'm doing well, and it looks like the people around me are doing well.

I don't think I'm ever going to hear the last of that. Friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and emailers all piled on to tell me that they are not doing well — that they're thinking of giving up their health insurance because they can't any longer afford it, that they don't know how they'll pay for their kid's college, that they don't think they'll ever be able to afford to retire, and they wonder who exactly is benefiting from all this good news we hear about the economy.

Well, don't ask me. I'm an economic illiterate. I kind of see what my protesting friends mean, though. Just looking up some numbers, I see that median household income fell two point nine percent in the last five years.

Unemployment is at four point seven percent, which doesn't seem bad, but it's up from four percent in the year 2000; and wages for starter jobs — that's for graduates from high schools and college — are falling.

Shipping containers for goods imported from China are piling up on the West Coast because we have nothing to send back in them. Now people have started living in those containers.

Meanwhile, people with actual houses to live in are watching their property values fall, while of course property taxes rise. And a tank of gas costs fifty bucks.

But don't worry, the economy's doing fine! The American people are drowning in anxiety and debt burden, but the economy's doing fine.


09 — We'll always have Paris.     News from the cultural front. Mega-celebrity Paris Hilton was arrested in Hollywood the other day on suspicion of drunk driving.

Explaining herself to a local radio station the next day, Ms Hilton — who is famous for … uh, what exactly is she famous for? I forget — anyway, Ms Hilton told listeners that, quote: "Maybe I was speeding a little bit and I got pulled over. I was just really hungry and I wanted to have an In-N-Out burger." End quote.

And I am not even going to attempt to comment on that.

Rumors that Ms Hilton, when pulled over, was abusive to police officers, telling them that Mel Gibson was the cause of all the world's wars, appear to be unsubstantiated.


10 — What made Milwaukee famous.     It wouldn't be Radio Derb without an immigration story, would it? So what's all this about the Miller Brewing Company financing a march in Chicago to demand human rights for illegal immigrants?

"Human Rights" is Spanish for "waivers of the country's immigration laws."

The story was that Miller gave $30,000 to the National Council of In Your Face, Gringos or some such organization to help them march on Denny Hastert's office in Batavia. The cash was sort of an apology. A few weeks ago it turned out that Miller had given money to representative Jim Sensenbrenner, a keen advocate of immigration law enforcement. Latinos started a boycott and Miller scrambled to get themselves out of trouble.

Now they're back in favor with the Latinos but they've ticked off the, oh, two hundred million or so Americans who'd like to see our laws enforced. So now the Miller suits are denying their cash gift had anything to do with the Batavia March. It was just a good natured gesture towards, you know, diversity.

Boy, it's not easy being an amoral corporation trying to pander to everybody. Remember the old song: "What made Milwaukee famous made a monkey out of me"? It looks like Miller Brewing Company needs no help from its product to make a monkey out of itself.


11 — Signoff.     All right, Haydn fans, I won't leave you hungry. Here is one of the Derbyshire Marches to see us out.

Be sure to tune in again next week for more scenes from mankind's long march of folly here on Radio Derb.


[Music clip: More Derbyshire Marches.]