»  Radio Derb — Transcript

01 — Intro.     Send not to know for whom Derb plays the Dead March: He plays it for thee, Hillary …

Although, come to think of it, didn't I dead-march Hillary once before? I think I did. The woman's like Glenn Close in Basic Instinct, coming up out of the bathtub with a knife in her hand when we all thought she was safely drowned.

On second thoughts I don't think I'll count Hillary out just yet. Do you mind rewinding the tape, guys? We'll start again.

[Tape-rewinding sounds.]

[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire March No. 2, organ version.]

Welcome to Radio Derb, listeners. This is your genial host John Derbyshire with news of the hour, courtesy of National Review Online.

Here we go.

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What the analysts told us beforehand was that Hillary would win Indiana thanks to all those beer-drinking, middle-aged white bowlers in plaid shirts, work boots, and hats with air holes around the brim who populate the Hoosier state; while young Paddy O'Bama would sweep all the African Americans and lesbian law professors down there in the … Um, hold on a minute, I can never remember these things … Oh, right: in the Tar Heel State, the Tar Heel State.

Well, that's pretty much what happened, except that Paddy won bigger in the one place and Hillary won smaller in the other than the pundits thought they would. So things don't look great for Hillary.

Listen, guys — and by "guys" here I mean the DNC, no offense to any gyno-Americans who might be on the DNC — just listen carefully, please. I'm just going to explain it to you one more time.

Scenario A:  John McCain versus Paddy O'Bama. McCain wins comfortably, though not sensationally.

Scenario B:  John McCain versus Al Gore. Al Takes 48 states.

Why don't you listen?

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We are the party of Jefferson and Jackson, of Roosevelt and Kennedy, and we are at our best when we lead with principle, when we lead with conviction, when we summon an entire nation to a common purpose and a higher purpose.

End quote.

As always with Paddy's speeches, I failed to understand what he was talking about. Aren't you also the party of Lyndon Johnson and Jimmy Carter, of Adlai Stevenson and John Kerry? And if you summon me and I don't answer the summons, what are you going to do? Give me a detention?

What is this higher purpose anyway? Are we going to colonize Mars, liberate Tibet, cure the common cold?

Why don't you spell out this higher purpose for us, Paddy? What higher purpose is there, anyway, than living a life in peace and prosperity, raising some kids and doing some useful and productive work like, uh, oh, you know, a community organizer, or executive director for community affairs at some hospital?

You know what, Mr Candidate, how 'bout you just promise to leave us the heck alone? That will get my vote.

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The higher purpose is, we're going to win the war against al-Qaeda in Iraq. Then we'll garrison the place for a hundred years or so, so that they can't get their own little civil war going again. Meanwhile al-Qaeda will regroup in Somalia or Afghanistan or Pakistan or somewhere, so we'll have wars against those guys too.

We'll finance these wars by selling foreigners T-bonds, which our children and grandchildren will have to pay the coupons on for thirty years.

I think that's the plan. It's proving such a hit on the campaign trail that John-John actually broke the 75-percent barrier with Republican primary voters in North Carolina.

It didn't do quite as well in Indiana, getting only 74 percent, but it's early days yet.

Oh no, wait a minute, it's not. We're pretty much through with the primaries. [Cheering.] Seventy-four-percent John is our presumptive nominee.

If Barack Obama needs any bodyguards, I'm sure the Republican National Committee will be only too glad to provide them.

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All right, I'll pretend I could care less and give you a report. Quote from the BBC news website:

The Lebanese army took the unusual step of warning that if the two sides did not stand back and seek compromise its own unity could be threatened. It is the last hope of many Lebanese for keeping the country together. During the fifteen years of civil war that started in 1975 the army split apart along sectarian lines under the strain.

End quote.

You'd think that fifteen years of civil war would have given the Lebanese a clue, wouldn't you? Yo guys, doesn't it occur to you that perhaps keeping the country together is a really stupid idea? Doesn't it occur to you that you'd be much happier as two countries?

It worked for Cyprus. All through my childhood the Greek Cypriots and the Turkish Cypriots were killing each other, but now things have been peachy since the Turks went to live in one half of the place and the Greeks went to live in the other half. See?

Let me put it in a nutshell for you, guys. Diversity is a bust. It doesn't work. Not In Cyprus, not in Yugoslavia, not in Belgium, not in the Caucasus, not in Bolivia, and definitely not in American jails.

I know that Condoleezza Rice and all the U.N. mucky-mucks, I know they stop by every so often to tell you that, oh, you have to get along with each other, but do you know what? You don't have to. Instead of another fifteen years of civil war, you can have two separate countries, you see?

Oh boy. What else is in this wretched news story? Quote:

Previous escalations in the current crisis, which has been building up for the last 18 months …

How about last 18 centuries?

 … have been headed off by cooperation between Saudi Arabia and Iran. The Saudis are close to the Sunnis and the Beirut government, and Iran is close to Hezbollah and the Shia.

End quote.

Oh, that's great. One faction has the Saudis as their friends, the other one has Iran.

You know what? Forget my previous advice. Just go ahead and have a civil war. With any luck you'll drag the Saudis and the Iranians into it. Then they'll be too busy to make trouble for us for a few years.

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Eighty-six percent of voters supported the autonomy plan. Evo Morales, the socialist president of Bolivia, took out full-page newspaper advertisements declaring the referendum, a, quote, "resounding failure."

Eighty-six percent — boy, that's some failure. I wonder what a success would have looked like.

It would of course be churlish to compare that 86 percent with the 53 percent that Mr Morales got in the 2005 elections.

The issues here are economic, political, and racial.

They're economic because Santa Cruz is far more prosperous than the highlands up there where the capital is and where Mr Morales has his support; they're political because the busy and entrepreneurial people of the lowlands don't want socialism; and they're racial because the lowlanders are mainly European and Mestizo while the highlands and Mr Morales' power base are heavily Indian.

Three other prosperous lowland regions of Bolivia are going to hold similar referendums over the next few weeks. The prospects for Mr Morales' proposed new socialist constitution are not looking very bright.

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Okay. Continuing our perusal of the news.

Israel celebrated her 60th birthday this week. To put it another way, it's now 60 years that Jews have been manning the forward defenses of Western civilization. They've done a darn good job and I offer the Israelis a sincere and heartfelt Happy Birthday!

Our pal Li'l Squinty over there in Tehran celebrated the occasion by calling Israel a, quote, "stinking corpse." The mad midget further opined that the state of Israel is, quote:

Weak! Collapsing! And nothing will be able to save it. Today in Palestine the most indecent crimes against humanity are taking place!

End quote.

That's from the leader of a regime that hangs teenage girls from construction cranes for having boyfriends.

Pay no attention, Israel. Why should you? You've got a nice little corruption scandal going on there in the finest old tradition of democratic government. Here's to another sixty years, and six hundred after that. Cheers!

You see, I knew this glass of wine would come in handy. I'm just sorry it's not Israeli wine, which I'm told is now very good.

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The Cole was — and still is — an American destroyer. Back in October 2000, in the waning months of the Clinton administration, the Cole was docked at the port of Aden in the country of Yemen down there at the bottom left-hand corner of the Arabian Peninsula.

Well, al-Qaeda stuffed a small patrol boat with explosives. They brought it alongside the Cole and they blew it up killing seventeen of our sailors and wounding thirty-nine.

Two of the plotters were captured outside Yemen and are now held in Guantanamo Bay. Another five were sentenced by Yemeni courts, but guess what? They are all now free. Some escaped from jail. Some just let out by the Yemeni authorities. Nobody in the U.S. government seems much concerned.

The Washington Post reports that John P. Clodfelter, Jr. of Mechanicsville, Virginia, whose son Kenneth died on the Cole, says that the families have tried to meet with President Bush to press for more action. Quote:

I was just flat told that he wouldn't meet with us. Previously President Clinton promised we'd go out and get these people, and of course we never did. I'm sorry, but it's just like the lives of American servicemen aren't that important.

End quote.

Well, not to worry, Mr Clodfelter. According to a U.S. government web page, seventy Yemenis won United States visas — that is, Green Cards — through the diversity lottery, which assigns Green Cards randomly to people who enter the lottery. Four thousand three hundred and ninety-two Egyptians also got Green Cards in the lottery.

You remember Egypt? That's the country Mohammed Atta came from.

Think what these wonderful people will add to the diversity of our nation!

Never mind the stupid U.S.S. Cole. Long live diversity!

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Item:  According to new data from the Los Angeles Department of Public Social Services, nearly 25 percent of Los Angeles County's welfare and food stamp benefits go directly to the children of illegal aliens at a cost of 36 million dollars a month. That's for a projected annual cost of 432 million.

Quote from the director of the department:

The total cost for illegal immigrants to county taxpayers far exceeds a billion dollars a year. That's not including the millions of dollars for education.

Oh, for goodness sake, stop whining, sir. Look at what you're getting for that billion dollars: Vibrant, diverse communities with one-hundred-percent-Mexican populations. How much more diverse than that can you get?

And, of course, lots of McCain voters.

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Item:  In Marion island down there in the Antarctic, a seal was filmed trying to engage in sexual intercourse with a penguin. The seal was male and weighed about 200 pounds. The penguin weighed about 35 pounds and is of unknown gender.

First, the seal subdued the penguin by lying on it, which made the penguin flap its flippers while it tried in vain to stand and escape. Then the seal alternated between resting on the penguin and thrusting its pelvis, trying to insert itself, but the bird played hard to get and the seal gave up.

Quote from the South African team of zoologists who recorded this momentous event, quote:

The seal was young, frustrated and sexually inexperienced, and thus was unable to find another seal for sex.

End quote.

Well, I think a lot of us can relate to that. When you're young, frustrated and inexperienced, a penguin can look pretty good … I guess.

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Item:  The New York Times asked black novelist Toni Morrison, who has written a slew of novels about white people being unkind to black people, why she had endorsed Barack Obama for President.

That has to be a leading contender for the title Most Unnecessary Question Ever Asked, but Ms Morrison was up for it. Quote:

I thought about voting for Hillary at the beginning. I don't care that she's a woman. I need more than that. Neither his race, his gender, her race, or her gender was enough. I needed something else and the something else was his wisdom.

End quote.

Ms Morrison is famous as the person who called Bill Clinton "America's first black president."

Asked for further comment, Ms Morrison replied, quote:

Black, white, black, black, white, white, black, black, black, black, black, white, white, white, white, white, black, black, white, white, white, black, white, black, black, black, white, …

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Item:  Some unknown number of people, perhaps a hundred thousand, died in a typhoon that hit Burma. Al Gore went on NPR to blame the storm on global warming, and to demand a recount.

Hey, Al, get back to the fat farm! Your party needs you!

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Item:  Where is the Olympic torch, everybody wants to know? Well, it's been to the top of Mount Everest.

The BBC correspondent was allowed as far as the base camp on Everest, where he watched the ascent on a wide-screen TV. Quote from him:

At the top of Everest, the lanterns were used to light an Olympic torch. A mini relay was carried out with two female Tibetan climbers, the first and last to hold the torch.

End quote.

The two Tibetans were then clubbed to death by security police in they traditional Chinese fashion and the torch continued on its way to Peking.

Well, no, actually he didn't include that last bit in his report. I made it up … although I wouldn't be surprised.

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Item:  Boris Johnson — a witty writer, a Tory of the type that Margaret Thatcher used to call "wet," which is to say, not attached to any very strong conservative principles and not very courageous at standing up to lefty media bullies — Boris Johnson has won election as mayor of London.

To judge from my last visit there, there are very few English people left in London, so this item is mainly of interest to the rest of the world. Especially to Turkey, perhaps, Boris being a great-grandson of the last Interior Minister of the Ottoman Empire.

I wish Boris good luck anyway, and I forgive him for having commissioned a piece from me when he was editor of the Spectator and then not used it because it was too politically incorrect. I still await payment, Boris.

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