• Play the sound file
[Music clip: From Haydn's Derbyshire Marches, organ version]
01 — Intro. Holy cow, I'm reading this stuff about Al Gore. Who would have believed it?
Hey Brandy, didn't you do a spell as assistant to the Gore-bot? [Brandy: "No."] Didn't she, Candy? [Candy: "Yeah!" Brandy: "No!" …] All right, all right, let's not get into a cat fight here. Remember how that ended up last time.
Well, surprising what these guys get up to. Reminds me of Prime Minister John Major, generally considered to be the most boring man in Britain. When it came out that Major had gone astray with a lady not his wife, one of the British tabloids ran the headline: Last of the Grey-Hot Lovers. Well, well.
OK, I see the technicians are at their stations, and the producer there behind the glass screen is doing that thing with his fingers. I really wish he wouldn't. OK, on with the show!
02 — General McChrystal fired. I don't know what to do with this story about General McChrystal getting fired … demoted, whatever. With a war going on, with guys out in the field under fire, a patriot's instinct is to get behind the military and minimize criticism of the politicians.
On the other hand, the Afghanistan war is a fundamentally foolish one, and the patriot hates to see his country engage in major foolishness. Furthermore, both the political and military leaderships seem to be complicit in the folly.
Our head politician is experienced in nothing but "community organizing," which means running race-guilt scams to shake down banks, corporations, and taxpayers for money. Our military leadership gives off the impression that they're not much interested in anything so vulgar as winning wars. It's hard to listen to General Casey after the Fort Hood massacre [Clip: Casey], or read about Admiral Roughead putting women on submarines, and keep your lip buttoned.
I wasn't very surprised to learn that McChrystal is an Obama voter and a big enthusiast for all the social-engineering gimcrackery that is, in the opinion of a lot of us — and a lot of military men too, but I'll get to that in a minute — sapping at the effectiveness of our armed forces.
McChrystal is fully invested in the counterinsurgency bull poop, which is really nothing but the old American missionary instinct breaking through the surface. Now it's possible that someplace on earth, at some time in human history, missionaries won a war, but I can't place the occasion.
And then the politicians again. Bob Tyrrell summed up the quality of our administration very neatly when he wrote that, quote: "We are left thanking the stars in the heavens that this President has Joe Biden at his side!"
Just so. Barack Obama of course knows nothing about military matters. I doubt he had been within hissing range of a military officer before entering the White House; and it's hard to imagine him ever having curled up on a sofa with Carlo D'Este's biography of Patton or Creasy's Fifteen Decisive Battles.
That's fair enough; a President can't know everything, and the art of the job is in listening to people who do know, and delegating to them. The trick is, of course, that they have to be the right people.
Current strategy in Afghanistan is McChrystal's. He owns it, and the President bought a share. The fundamental premise of McChrystal's strategy is that it's better for ten American guys to be killed than one Afghan goat.
Should Obama have been listening to a guy like that? Probably not. Should he have been able to figure out, even from his own minimal base of military understanding, that McChrystal's strategy is a crock? Probably. Should we be surprised that the Obama-voting, goat-protecting McChrystal would be so dumb as to let a Rolling Stone reporter follow him round? Probably not.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas. Barack Obama and Stanley McChrystal would, I'm sure, give you different opinions on which one is the dog, and I'm not going to adjudicate, but they've both of them got a flea problem.
As of this week, though, only Obama has to scratch in public.
03 — Afghanistan rumbles on. Meanwhile, the war in Afghanistan rumbles on. As of this month, it's the longest war in American history. That's in addition to being the most pointless.
In the splendid words of Colonel Ralph Peters, the Afghans just don't want what we want them to want. Or, as retired Col. Douglas Macgregor has written, quote:
The entire [counterinsurgency] strategy is a fraud perpetuated on the American people. The idea that we are going to spend a trillion dollars to reshape the culture of the Islamic world is utter nonsense.
Of course it is. It sure makes a lot of Americans feel good, though — that old missionary instinct bubbling up. Let's convert the heathen!
And now that we have General Petraeus in charge, the war looks set fair to go on even longer.
Petraeus is known to be highly skeptical about Obama's plan to start pulling troops out of Afghanistan next year. Apparently it's such a vital national interest for us to keep the puritanical Taliban out of power in Afghanistan, and the drug-lord money-laundering Karzai regime in power, we should go on fighting for ever if necessary.
In Afghanistan. This vitally important country, this military and economic colossus, this hinge of world history, this Mordor, this Death Star center of all the world's evil.
When Calvin Coolidge was leaving office a reporter asked him what the greatest achievement of his administration had been. "The greatest achievement of my administration," replied Cal, "has been minding our own business."
That's the other strand in traditional American statecraft. By all means let the missionaries do their private work at their private expense, but keep government out of missionary endeavors. Can we get back to that, please?
One good thing about the coming national bankruptcy is that we may have no choice. A country that spends far more than it earns can only run a trillion-dollar war if someone's willing to lend it a trillion dollars. Anybody? Hello? …
04 — Port Chester votes the wrong way! Here's the town of Port Chester, New York, pop. 29 thousand. I know Port Chester. I used to drive through it on the way to Playland, a nice little amusement park there in the next town over. Well, what's up in Port Chester?
What's up is, the city fathers fell afoul of the 1965 Voting Right Act, that's what, and got sued by the feds.
So … they were preventing African Americans from voting? In New York?
No, no, nothing like that. Nobody was being prevented from voting.
So why was Port Chester getting sued?
Because the elections didn't come out the right way.
Yes, you heard it right. The federal government — and note please that this was the George W. Bush Justice Department in 2006 — the feds sued this little township, bringing all the weight and power of federal authority to bear, all the Justice Department's legions of lawyers to bear on this quiet little town with a few million revenue from property tax. The feds came crashing through Port Chester like a Panzer division rolling over a Polish village, firing billion-dollar lawsuits at the peasants' huts, not because anyone was being prevented from voting, but because the elections weren't coming out right.
See, around half of Port Chester's residents are Hispanic, but no Hispanics were getting elected to the town's six-member board of trustees. Townsfolk pointed out that (a) a high proportion of the Hispanics are resident in this country illegally, and so not eligible to vote, and (b) even eligible Hispanics have low voter-turnout rates, not just in Port Chester but everywhere.
The feds brushed that aside. The original purpose of the Voting Rights Act was to make sure no eligible person was unfairly prevented from voting. The new purpose, thanks to the Bush Justice Department, is to make sure the right people get elected.
Port Chester had to buckle to the federal bullies; but even buckling didn't get them off the financial hook. They had to spend a ton of money holding classes and seminars on a complex new voting system the feds imposed, to make sure Hispanics get elected. Local TV stations had to advertise the procedures, in both English and Spanish, of course, and masses of printed material had to be issued, also in both languages for distribution to schools, libraries, and workplaces, all under federal mandate. Aah, diversity!
Did it work? Yes it did. The Port Chester board of trustees now has a Hispanic member, Luis Marino, an immigrant from Peru. I guess you won't be astonished to learn that he's a Democrat. Nothing was more important to Bush and his people than getting more Democrats on the voter rolls.
OK, here's my question for the Justice Department. Since you've moved on from ensuring that everybody can vote to ensuring that the right people get elected, what do we need elections for? Why not just have the Justice Department appoint town trustees in Port Chester, and every other town around the country? What's the point of elections any more?
05 — California city goes broke. Here's a different story about a different city, though it follows on in a natural way from the previous segment.
The city in this story is Maywood, California, just south of Los Angeles at the other side of the country from Port Chester. Maywood has laid off all its employees, disbanding its Police Department and turning over all its municipal operations to the city next door.
City-data.com lists the population of Maywood as 28 thousand in 2008, so it's identical in size with Port Chester. It's way more Hispanic, though; in fact wellnigh totally Hispanic: 96.3 percent. Can't imagine they had much trouble electing Hispanics to the city management … which now has nothing to manage.
Quote from the Los Angeles Times, quote:
Maywood's $10.1-million general fund budget has a deficit of at least $450,000, officials said. Beyond that, the city has been unable to obtain insurance because of a history of lawsuits, many involving its Police Department … Operating without insurance would make even routine government services highly risky.
Well, thank goodness at least Port Chester isn't facing that kind of crisis. Although one never knows. As the old booster saying goes: California's today is America's tomorrow.
06 — UN Human Rights Council hears Muslim complaints. The United Nations Human Rights Council is always good for a few hearty laughs.
This is the body composed of human rights paragons like China and Cuba, and Muslim countries like Egypt and Pakistan, which stage regular pogroms against Christians. What these exemplars of multicultural tolerance like to do is, they like to scold civilized countries for being insufficiently sensitive to the feelings of their racial and religious minorities.
Last week the Human Rights Council gave a hearing to the OIC, the Organization of the Islamic Conference, a worldwide group of 57 majority-Muslim nations. What's the OIC bellyaching about? The scandalous treatment of Muslims in Western countries!
Quote from an Egyptian dude, quote:
People of Arab origin face new forms of racism, racial discrimination, xenophobia and related forms of intolerance and experience discrimination and marginalization.
Then a Pakistani guy got up and moved a resolution instructing the Human Rights Council to, quote, "look into such racism … especially in western societies," and to, quote, "work closely with mass media organizations to ensure that they create and promote an atmosphere of respect and tolerance for religious and cultural diversity." End quote.
Once again: That's a Pakistani guy, responding to an Egyptian guy, in front of a body that includes China, Cuba, Gabon, Kyrgyzstan — where, let me remind you, the Kyrgyz have been having fun this past few days hunting down their Uzbek minority with dogs — who else we got on the Human Rights Council? Libya, Mexico, Pakistan, Russia, Saudi Arabia …
And the Egyptian guy, and the Pakistani guy, are telling the Cuban guy and the Libyan guy and the Russian guy and the Saudi guy that Western countries are hell-holes of oppression and discrimination? Like I said, you can depend on the Human Rights Council for a laugh.
Seriously, though: Since the Organization of the Islamic Conference has 57 member nations, you'd think, wouldn't you?, that any Muslim who is unhappy in his own Muslim nation and wishes to migrate to somewhere hospitable to his faith, would be spoiled for choice. So why would he move to a Western nation where he's going to face all that racism and oppression? If Western nations are so awful, why do Muslims want to settle in them?
Ah, wait a minute though — any Muslims listening to this broadcast might accept my logic and decide not to come and settle in the West. Then we boring, ignorant, culturally impoverished white-bread Western people would be deprived of all the wonderful, delicious, vibrant diversity that Muslim immigrants bring us.
Unthinkable! What a disaster that would be for the West! I certainly wouldn't want that, so I'd better stop this segment right here.
07 — North Koreans not obese. I'm a bit late with this one. It's a story from April 30th. It's only just come to my attention, but it's just too good to leave out.
The context here is the sorry catalog of gullible visitors to communist nations all through the 20th century who saw just what they wanted to see, and what their commie minders wanted them to see. The catalog stretches back nearly a hundred years now, to John Reed and Lincoln Steffens.
Still they come. Here came Dr Margaret Chan, Director-General of the World Health Organization.
Dr Chan took a trip to North Korea in late April this year. At a press conference on her return she reported that, quote, "I didn't see many obese people." Why did she think that was? Quote: "walking is quite well observed in that country."
See, unlike us fat, spoiled Westerners, North Koreans prefer not to drive everywhere in cars. They'd much rather walk and keep themselves trim.
Dr Chan was also pleased to observe that North Korea, quote, "has no lack of doctors and nurses, as we have seen in other developing countries where most of their doctors have migrated to other places."
Now, to hear this kind of ignorant gibberish from hack journalists or airhead celebrities is bad enough; to hear it from a senior panjandrum of the United Nations is scream-inducing. Candy? [Scream.] Thank you.
Would it be any use to remind Dr Chan that famine has been commonplace in North Korea since the fall of the fraternal U.S.S.R.? And that North Korean doctors do not "migrate" to other countries because it is a criminal offense even to make the attempt?
Any use? Probably not: "With stupidity, the gods themseves struggle in vain," but I'll say it anyway.
Two weeks ago Mr Banderas, who studies biology, was detained by Immigration and Customs Enforcement for not having any permission to be in our country. There was a theoretical possibility that he would be deported back to Mexico, his home country. Radio Derb, with the fathomless cynicism for which we are world-renowned, expressed doubt that such a thing would happen.
We were of course correct. ICE confirmed last weekend that they have dropped all deportation proceedings against Mr. Banderas.
However, under prodding from the Obama administration, ICE has managed to identify the 19-year-old American kid who would have gone to Harvard if Mr Banderas had not jumped the border. The American kid is Scott McAlister of Clarksburg, West Virginia, and he will be deported in Mr Banderas' place, to Antarctica.
America has all the hillbillies it needs. Let's start getting rid of them. Welcome, Mr Banderas!
09 — Miscellany. And now, here comes Miss Elainy with a few brief items to close with.
Item: This one from Google News, headline: Record number of Indian candidates seeking office.
This is help-line Indian, not casino Indian. Nikki Haley's the poster girl here, running for Governor down there in South Carolina. Ms Haley was originally Nimrata Nikki Randhawa.
We already have Bobby Jindal, of course. Raj Goyle is running for Congress in Wichita, Kansas, and there's a raft of others.
I'm fine with it personally, totally willing to forget about the Mutiny if you gys will forget about Amritsar. Just one thing worries me, though: With all these Indians running for office, who's going to manage the motels?
Item: Californians got Meg Whitman as their Republican candidate for Governor from the recent primaries. Ms Whitman is such an establishment Republican she might as well wear a Dick Cheney mask.
It follows of course that Ms Whitman wants open borders. However, in the primary fight she came down hard on illegal immigration in order to compete with rival Steve Poizner, who was coming down even harder.
Well, that was then, this is now. Having won her primary, Ms Whitman is heading back to the left on illegals as fast as she can go, most recently running ads on Latino TV stations saying se opone a ley de Arizona, which for the dwindling number of Americans who understand English means "oneself opposes the Arizona law."
Her opponent, Democrat Jerry Brown, is even more of a Hispanderer. Nice going there, Californians — or as Meg Whitman would prefer you say: el ir agradable allí, Californios. That's what my Google translator came up with; eso es con lo que subió mi traductor de google.
Item: Back to the Gaza Strip for a moment.
One name that everyone in Israel knows is Gilad Shalit, who was kidnapped four years ago by Hamas terrorists on a raid into Israel. Hamas has been keeping Shalit at an unknown location in Gaza for the last four years, even denying the Red Cross any access to him, and all the while taunting Israel, and especially Shalit's family, about him.
These animals have staged re-enactments of the kidnapping as entertainments at children's summer camps, and put on plays in which actors playing Shalit whine and beg for their release. They've produced an animated movie that shows Shalit's father grieving over his son's coffin. Ha ha ha ha! What a great sense of humor they have, those Hamas guys.
The people of Gaza — you know, the people who elected Hamas, the people we're supposed to be weeping into our hankies over because the dastardly Israelis won't let them stock up on missiles and hand grenades — the people of Gaza think it's great fun to keep this young man in solitary confinement for four years and mock his parents' suffering.\
Well, last week a flotilla of small boats sailed from the piers on Manhattan's West side to the United Nations building on the island's East side to publicize the plight of Gilad Shalit — the one person in the Gaza Strip really in need of some humanitarian aid. They called themselves the Freedom Flotilla.
This did not make the front pages of newspapers world-wide, I have no idea why.
Item: The people of Kyrgyzstan have, as mentioned, been celebrating diversity in that colorful Central Asian way, torching their neighbors' houses, then hacking said neighbors to death with machetes as they run out to escape the flames. The torch-ers have been the Kyrgyz majority of Kyrgyzstan, the torch-ees have been the minority Uzbeks.
Vladimir Putin has no doubt been watching it all very carefully, as he still nurses dreams of sending Russian armies in to re-occupy these old fragments of the Russian empire, if they can round up enough sober Russian soldiers who have not yet sold their rifles for vodka.
Radio Derb just wants to reassure listeners that our political idol Gurbanguly Mälikgulyýewiç Berdimukhamedov, President of nearby Turkmenistan, is perfectly safe, and the noble republic of Turkmenistan itself has been unscathed by these unfortunate disturbances.
Item: Madrid, capital of Spain, has a Gay Pride March in early July every year, one of the largest such events in Europe. It's all very festive, with colorful floats and so on. Delegations from other countries join in to help celebrate universal gayness.
This year's Madrid organizers made it known, however, that they had canceled their invitation to a contingent from Tel Aviv because the mayor of that city had not apologized over Israel's raid on ships trying to break the Gaza blockade the other week.
Now, leaving aside the fact that municipal functionaries have no obligation to pass comment on matters of state, do the Madrid homosexuals not know that Israel is the only country in the Middle East where public displays similar to theirs can — and do — take place? That if they tried to stage a gay pride parade in any city of any Muslim nation, they'd be torn to pieces by howling mobs of Islamists? That the Islamic fundamentalists who run the Gaza Strip want homosexuals killed?
Perhaps they do and perhaps they don't. They know that Israel is evil, though; and that One Great Truth of our time trumps every other.
10 — Signoff. Madrid, capital of Spain. Do you know your European capitals, Mandy? Which country has Budapest as its capital?
Right, honey. Why don't you go see if Jonah's got the party started yet? I'll be up there shortly.
OK folks, that's all we have. Tune in again next weekend for more Tory pessimism, mean-spirited carping, and tasteless humor from Radio Derb!
[Music clip: More Derbyshire Marches.]