»  National Review Online

August 9th, 2007

  Physicians' Derb Reference

[Always on the lookout for innovations in the world of science to bring before my readers, I am of course a subscriber to that indispensable compendium of pharmacological data, The Physicians' Desk Reference. Combing through the pages of the latest edition of this classic, I note the following new products to emerge from the labs of our pharmaceutical companies—the world's best!]

Ahmadinezam (uranium caliphate)
Description: Mild psychedelic, enhances out-of-body and religious experiences.
Indications and Usage: Ahmadinezam is indicated where attempted transplant of foreign tissue has been rejected. It has also proven effective in the symptomatic relief of excessive rationality.
Contraindications: Ahmadinezam is mildly radioactive (~100kBq/g) and should be handled with care.
Adverse Reactions: The most pronounced adverse reaction, observed in approx. 10 percent of cases on clinical trial, was moderate dwarfism. Also observed at low to medium frequencies (2-5 percent): strabismus, facial rash (resulting, for male subjects, in inability to shave), loss of some highly specific motor functions (e.g. ability to knot necktie).

Barax (obamalic articulate)
Description: Regulates melanin production.
Indications and Usage: Effective with patients suffering from chronic situational dermatochromal anxiety—i.e. self-perception as "not black enough" when among African Americans yet "too black" when among other groups. Barax induces a "chameleon effect"—increased/decreased melanin production corresponding to perceived average shade of nearby persons.
Contraindications: Barax is contraindicated in patients with non-health-threatening anxiety levels and should not be prescribed for patients with well-established perceptions of their own racial identity.
Adverse Reactions: May cause severe mood swings, from amiable passivity to sudden aggression.

Bimborol (lohanafil)
Description: Aging accelerant.
Indications and Usage: Cosmetic medication. May be prescribed for female patients who, on a voluntary basis, wish to advance speedily from cute preteen appearance to the "burned out" look of late middle age. In suitable patients, with precisely regular dosage, the normal 30-year freckled-moppet-to-raddled-hag transition can be accomplished in as little as 2-3 years.
Contraindications: Bimborol is contraindicated in patients with weak self-control, poor selection of companions, history of drug dependency, and more money than sense.
Adverse Reactions: In clinical trials there were some cases of insomnia, loss of work discipline, and automotive compulsion.

Fredopan (loranorda sublimate)
Description: Maxillary enhancer.
Indications and Usage: Cosmetic medication, successful in treatment of males with receding or pointed chin/jaw-line. Careful application over 6-8 months brings out the square-jawed "magisterial" look favored for certain movie/TV screen roles.
Contraindications: Strongly contraindicated in patients displaying jaylenoid symptoms.
Adverse Reactions: Chronic procrastination and loss of decision-making power.

Daylaboral (latinosin)
Description: Diversity enhancer, wage suppressant, neighborhood trasher.
Indications and Usage: Daylaboral is indicated for the management of elevated wage levels and excessive homogeneity ("whitebread syndrome"). Dosages must be localized and carefully controlled (see Adverse Reactions). Because of a tendency to form unsightly concentrations at night and in early mornings, Daylaboral should not be injected into regions with >500K mean property values.
Contraindications. Daylaboral should not be given to patients taking Ludobsostat.
Adverse Reactions: Uncontrolled dosages may lead to selective systemic failure (schools, hospitals, law enforcement) and elevated populism. Incidents of dorsal hydration, formerly associated with Daylaboral, appear to have declined.

Derbadrine (anglocentrous dumanglumium)
Description: Depressant, antieuphoric.
Indications and Usage: For treatment of euphoria, excessive optimism, religious enthusiasm, and dogged political loyalty.
Contraindications: Derbadrine is contraindicated in patients with low energy levels, depressive/suicidal or alcoholic tendencies, cynicism, reductionism, weak political or religious attachments, or difficulty in maintaining regular employment.
Adverse Reactions: Obsessive-compulsive writing at great length on trivial or highly abstract (e.g. mathematical) topics. Occasional prolonged spasms of utterly nonproductive activity (e.g. treehouse building). Excessive drinking. Homophobia. Sinogynephilia. Poverty.

Hillariphen (distillate of rodhamite)
Description: Attention enhancer.
Indications and Usage: Normally to be prescribed for patients whose work requires regular spells of intense concentration and self-control, e.g. bomb disposal work, attorneys in fiercely adversarial courtroom confrontations, etc.
Contraindications: Hillariphen is strongly contraindicated in patients with low temperature and/or metabolic rate, who may experience freezing of body fluids and consequent immobility.
Adverse Reactions: Some instances of exophthalmia, buccal hypertrophy, and thickening of extremities were observed in clinical trials.

Islamec (cairolsuya)
Description: Stimulant, mood intensifier, diversity enhancer.
Indications and Usage: Highly effective in treatment of tolerance, social equality, rational economics, freedom of worship, and peace.
Contraindications: Contraindicated in female and homosexual patients. Very strongly contraindicated in Jewish patients.
Adverse Reactions: Clinical trials in regions where Islamec and its forerunners (e.g. assassinifil, seljukazyme, ottomanizol) had no market penetration produced strong allergic reactions, though so far no instances of complete rejection. Patients whose metabolism is receptive to Islamec often exhibit irresistible suicidal tendencies.

Lindachavezam (herbal, extract of aztecis ethnocentrus roots)
Description: Induces partial colorblindness.
Indications and Usage: Originally introduced as treatment for excessive color discrimination, Lindachavezam, while effective in most cases, has been found to increase hypersensitivity in one particular area (see Adverse Reactions).
Contraindications: Contraindicated in patients belonging to unionized workforces.
Adverse Reactions: Tourette-like spasms in presence of real or perceived slights against Mexicans.

Ludobsostat (cablechanneline populismitate)
Description: For elevation of blood pressure.
Indications and Usage: Effective in patients with low concern for national integrity, susceptibility to multiculturalism, passivity to foreign occupation, or illusions of rising living standards.
Contraindications: Ludobsostat is contraindicated in patients with symptoms of hypertension, pre-existing awareness of "national question" issues, or hypersensitivity to oratorical dyspraxis.
Adverse Reactions: Chronic indignation. Mild speech impairment. Transient dose-related reduction of vocabulary (usually concurrent with minimization of utterances to a small number of set forms, e.g. sentences beginning "The idea that..." or ending with the word "...mind-boggling.")

Mikalmorovir (suspension of fanofidel in obesedrine)
Description: Judgment suppressant.
Indications and Usage: Suitable for patients with pre-existing leftist orientation. Effective in suppressing powers of judgment regarding particular and statistical truth. Proven curative in cases of "your lying eyes" syndrome.
Contraindications: Strongly contraindicated in patients suffering from patriotism, traditionalism, skepticism toward statist solutions, clear vision, firm attachment to statistical or particular facts, or with longstanding resistance to low-grade leftist propaganda.
Adverse Reactions: Headache, nausea, vomiting. Rapid weight gain, excessive fawning on Leninist tyrants.

Morenabaccarin (inara companionate)
Description: Antidepressant, cardiac accelerant, vasodilator.
Indications and Usage: Highly effective in treatment of E.D.
Contraindications: Contraindicated for patients with high blood pressure or cardiac conditions.
Adverse Reactions: Palpitations, tachycardia, sweating, dizziness, weakness. In clinical trials, many patients exhibited abnormal tendency to lock selves in private room alone with Morenabaccarin usage/dosage instructional DVDs.

Pelosicor (azsinonsispan)
Description: Induces feminist triumphalism.
Indications and Usage: Pelosicor is indicated as adjunctive therapy to Reidasen for treatment of restrained government, low spending, traditional values, border control, and bipartisan foreign policy.
Contraindications: Pelosicor is contraindicated in non-limousine-owning non-liberal patients.
Adverse Reactions: Bleeding heart, softening of spine. Pelosicor is also thought by some clinicians to be responsible for increased demands that San Francisco be detached from U.S.A. and used as Navy Air Force bombing target while being towed to Antarctica.

Odonnellex (lardobuttrous lesbate)
Description: Stimulant, emetic.
Indications and Usage: Proven effective in treatment of Bush Nonderangement Syndrome (sometimes called Bush Acceptance Syndrome).
Contraindications: Contraindicated in patients who are Catholic, or of Chinese ancestry, or who are named Ripa, Trump, or Abdul.
Adverse Reactions: Attraction to exaggerated or manipulated factoids, intolerance of opposing points of view, hypervocalism (i.e. loss of control of voice volume).

Ronpaulovent (solution of vonmisesine in goldwater)
Description: Anti-cancer drug.
Indications and Usage: Cuts off blood supply to federal-type tumors, reversing their growth and leading in many cases to complete elimination.
Contraindications: Strongly contraindicated in patients with neocon convictions. Contraindicated also in patients who are employees of large, intrusive federal bureaucracies (IRS, Dept. of Education, etc.)
Adverse Reactions: Fear, loathing, and angry hostility from tax-eating patients, drug companies, HMOs, illegal immigrants, govt. of Mexico, most congresspersons, most other inhabitants of Washington D.C., media, federal contractors, public-sector unions, academia, etc., etc. Mute incomprehensibility from too-long-govt.-whipped conservatives and power-worshippers.

Rowlingoban (haripoteril)
Description: Child distractor.
Indications and Usage: Rowlingoban is an extended-release treatment of juvenile bibliophobia.
Contraindications: Rowlingoban is contraindicated in patients with too firm an attachment to reality, or too much interest in interactions between well-developed fictional characters.
Adverse Reactions: Craving for child-book heroes&heroines speaking American English. In clinical trials, some severe envious reactions were observed in writers of less-popular children's books.

Rudivir (manhattanic acid)
Description: Purgative, internal cleanser. Strengthens immune system. Though developed in the same northeastern laboratory, Rudivir is not structurally related to the rinozines (rocefelerin, patakizine, blumbergicon, etc.)
Indications and Usage: In field trials 1994-2001 Rudivir proved highly effective against bureaucratic inertia, fiscal hemorrhage, ethnotomas, and criminal pathogens.
Contraindications: Contraindicated for social conservatives, esp. gun owners.
Adverse Reactions: Occasional uncontrollable loss of temper; dose-related impairment of balance control (most commonly, of ability of lean right), alienation of family members.

Sharptonate (arsonate of judophobia)
Description: Inflammatory agent.
Indications and Usage: For treatment of colorblindess.
Contraindications: Strongly contraindicated for patients of other than African American ancestry.
Adverse Reactions: Burning sensations.